Knowing What to Say (and Not Say) in Uncomfortable Pet Situations
Maybe your neighbor’s dog has been handed a very sad prognosis, a co-worker’s cat has passed away suddenly, or your sister is spending thousands of dollars on treatments for her guinea pig. These situations can be difficult. Even for the most experienced of us, it is hard to know what to say and how to react. It is especially challenging for non pet owners who haven’t experienced the human-animal bond themselves. Thankfully, there are a few tricks to help know what to say (and not to say) in uncomfortable pet situations.
Taking on a New Perspective in Uncomfortable Pet Situations
No matter what the situation, the loss of a pet, or loss of his or her health, is difficult for those in that pet’s life. Our pets are with us through thick and thin, through major life events, and are the epitome of unconditional love in our lives.
When someone that we know is struggling with a pet situation, it is helpful to shift our perspective and think about how we would want to be treated if we were in their shoes. Try to keep comments supportive and refrain from giving advice (no matter how well intended) unless asked. Good ideas for helping someone through a hard time include:
- Expressing how lucky a pet is/was to have had such a caring owner
- Sharing fond memories of the pet
- Asking if there is any way you can help
- Empathizing with the magnitude of the loss or sadness they are feeling
- Reminding the pet owner that they did/are doing their best for their pet
- Performing thoughtful acts like sending a card, picking up the phone, making a donation, planting a tree, or sending a nice memento
- Helping them to find supportive resources
Likewise avoid:
- Minimizing feelings by diminishing the value of the pet
- Asking about plans for getting a “replacement”
- Questioning or criticizing decisions about care
- Expressing an opinion about what the person should have been done (even in the form of friendly advice)
Most times uncomfortable pet situations for us are the time when our friends and family mostly need a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Being present for this is the most important thing you can do to help.
Comfort In, Dump Out
A great way to look at these types of situations has been described as comfort in, dump out. The general basis of this method is to create perspective by picturing the person who is directly affected by the event at the center of a circle. Other people who are less affected (maybe a husband if the wife is the main caretaker of the pet, closer relatives, the dog walker) are then placed in circles around the center circle. Those closest to the situation are in the centermost rings, and those less affected are in the outer rings.
The rule is that you are allowed to dump your feelings and concerns outwardly, but you can only be a supportive, listening ear inward. Even if you think the pet owner should have done something differently, or made a different choice, you don’t express those opinions to someone more affected by the loss or the illness than you. This is a good rule of thumb, no matter the situation you find yourself in.
It is difficult to know what to say in uncomfortable pet situations, but chances are that someday you will find yourself in one. Understand that love for a pet, and dread of losing that four-legged friend from your life, can affect your decisions. Taking a step back and creating a realistic view of the circumstances can go a long way to knowing just what to say. And even if you are not sure of the right words, know that being there is the most important part of all.
Part of the care we give our OVRS clients and their four-legged family members is listening, being supportive, holding a hand, or helping memorialize a pet. We understand that our pets hold a big piece of our hearts and their health, their life and their loss is very important to us. If you remember that too, you’ll be just fine in knowing the right thing to say to offer comfort and support.
